This weekend, while celebrating my 89 year old grandfather's life, it was wonderful to see cousins I had not seen for years - many were small children last time. It was even good to see aunts and uncles, some who formerly criticized my life choices. Some who committed rather unforgivable sins. Yet, I managed to come to a few realizations about the dynamics of the family.
This side of my family has long been a religious and very judgemental bunch. Some are very hypocritical in their beliefs; others are not. It is their very hypocrisy that turned me away from institutionalized religious factions. This is not to say I have no belief in higher powers, but, rather, that one set of ideals is not the only set to follow. I have pulled from many different belief systems over the years - both religious and secular - and incorporated them into my own life. My main beliefs are kindness, tolerance and acceptance. The thing that amuses me the most is all faiths - Protestant, Catholic, Judaism, etc. - basically believe the same thing. So this is where I stepped off the cart of organized religion.
I spent many years feeling as though I didn't measure up to the stringent expectations placed on me by my paternal family. Quite frankly, I avoided all family functions due to this feeling. This time, I didn't feel that way. Why? I am no longer a child in constant need of approval from those I love. Life has a way of teaching us what truly matters. It doesn't matter that extended family disapproves of my lifestyle. It doesn't matter I have often been criticized by them for life choices they disagree with. It matters only that I made choices to make me happy. I have a wonderful husband. Two beautiful daughters. A great step-son. I no longer allow outside influences to change the root-deep happiness in my life.
Many of the older generation has not changed very much. They still judge. They're hateful to one another. They are hypocrites, for they preach against the very things they do themselves. They hold age-old grudges, which I doubt any of them remember the full reason for now. None of them are willing to discuss their issues calmly, respectfully and move forward from there -- or simply discuss them. My best realization was this no longer matters to me. They are who they are. I accept them, even if I don't respect them.
My other pretty amazing realization was this older generation is seeking the one thing they rarely had in life: acceptance. I saw this need in one of my uncle's eyes. It was so raw, I actually felt a twinge of pain in my heart. Instead of snide remarks, which I had felt compelled to make, I teased him, as I had many of the others. I didn't get a real laugh out of him because he is far too serious a man, but I felt good knowing I tried to make a change in the family dynamics.
We lost my grandfather, but I truly hope the older generation can see what it is they need: to quit caring so much about the transgressions - real or perceived - of others. Care about your life, what makes you happy, and move forward. Forgive, then accept.
Live, Laugh, Love
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