Not Strong; Just Stubborn

One thing I've heard a lot over the years is how strong I am, especially the last three years. I've come to the conclusion inner strength is disguised as pure stubbornness. Now I'll tell you why.

There've been many incidents over the years where people have admired my strength, but none quite so much as when I describe the surface life as the mom of a child with Type 1 Diabetes.  Details are pointless, unless you also have walked a mile in these shoes. 

Tired doesn't describe D-parents. Exhaustion does. Unmitigated, complete exhaustion. Until you feel like you have no soul, nothing to give. Take the last two weeks, for example. There's not been one night where I've gotten a full night's sleep. Highs, lows but nothing in the happy zone.  No numbers I'm willing to sleep through without at least one check. Make adjustments; more highs and lows. I get up every morning, get the kids ready, drop them at school, go to work for six hours and come home to start the afternoon and evening routine. Strength or pure stubbornness?

Stubborn. Why? Only pure determination can keep you doing what needs to be done when you are beyond tired. 

Most of what I know about T1, I've researched myself or learned from other D-parents. The so-called professionals I work with where we live are basically useless to me. When I ask for help, the common response is:  sounds right. Ooookay. Do you have suggestions of changes I should make to smooth out the bumps we are having? Well, you could try this or that and see what works.  Would've never guessed that. Which change should I choose? Please. Give me a little support. So I keep finding new resources, new books to read and learn from others who've been there. Teaching my daughter how to care for herself, without causing long-term side effects is a huge part of a D-mom. Constant sense of failure when her A1C is not in range, even though you worked your tail off. Strength or stubborn?

Stubborn. Again, you gotta keep moving forward. 

Many people are under the impression I'm calm, smart, strong. No one realizes I'm none of those things. I'm just like you. I just don't verbalize my angst because it solidifies the ugliness. No. I'm merely stubborn. 

It's what gets me through. Gets me up in the morning; sometimes with a smile, sometimes not. Keeps me looking after my beautiful girls and husband. Keeps me from "losing it", although I do melt down occasionally for a day or two, pick myself up, dust myself off and keep moving. 

Inner strength is just a nice way of saying you are stubborn as hell.